Safety

This is number one on our list because without safety as a foundation, it's like trying to build a house on sand. It just won't work.

If we don’t feel safe to be ourselves, if we don’t feel physically safe, safe to express ourselves, to relax, to trust, to speak of and receive our needs, and so on, then we are unable to truly bond with another. To deeply connect with someone requires authentic vulnerability, and it is a whole lot easier to be genuinely vulnerable when one feels safe to do so.

Safety is also key when triggers arise (which might I add is always going to happen because of our life experiences and our own individual trauma, patterns and conditioning). A healthy relationship is definitely not about avoiding triggers or not having any, but knowing that there is commitment to work through them when they pop up. When we feel safe, we can express what is alive for us (usually still with discomfort), but knowing that we won’t be abandoned and that it will be met with love, compassion and curiosity.

Safety is about feeling secure, trusting and free.

Communication

Communication within a relationship allows us to verbally express what is going on for us. It is about speaking clearly but it is also about listening empathically too. The good news is; getting good at communicating is a skill that can be acquired. Chances are, most of us didn’t learn the most amazing and effective ways of communicating during childhood, and that is okay (it just is what it is!). It is never too late to learn a new and more fulfilling way of expressing your needs and getting them met (without playing games, being manipulative, creating drama, or causing trauma). I love the nonviolent communication model (NVC) personally, and they offer workshops worldwide, available both online and in person.

When we have the ability to clearly communicate our feelings, needs and requests, it is a lot easier for the people around us to be able to understand us, and meet us in that. It also makes it less likely for things to fester or get swept under the rug if we have a clear, open channel of communication with our partner. By getting good at connecting to our feelings and needs, we naturally build more inner strength and a deeper connection with ourselves. When we are empowered in this way, we bring that into our relationship too.

Consideration

 Mutual consideration is something that naturally flows when love is shared. It is not about giving things up or losing freedom. When we are in a state of overflow, it is within our true nature to consider another. 

It is not about the individual anymore, as one is having a shared experience with another person. When we make this sort of commitment, it is almost like seeing the other person as an extension of oneself. Consideration can take many forms, it may be through acts of service, remembering food allergies, choosing one plan over the other (if it is close to your partners heart), or simply checking in with a partner by asking about something that may cause them discomfort. Being considered and considerate in a relationship helps to build trust, safety and keeps the connection alive.

Championing

As an optimist, this is one of my favourite parts of being in a relationship. Having the love and support of a partner in going after your dreams and aspirations can be a key motivator and driving force behind achieving what it is you truly desire in this lifetime. It is not to say we don’t have the will to do it on our own, but being championed by the one you love can really help keep those creative juices flowing. When you succeed, they succeed and vice versa! Yay!

Connection

Feeling connected in a relationship indicates if we are experiencing openness or contraction. What I mean by that is this: When we are feeling connected to our partner we are open and receptive, when there is disconnect we may feel like there is space between us or something is a bit off.

There is nothing wrong with experiencing contraction or disconnect, but it is how we go about it that matters. Often, just naming that there is a feeling of contraction/disconnect can spark a conversation to address what it is that’s in the way. Sometimes it can be something our partner has done that has directly affected us. And sometimes, it’s a misconception of what we think our partner has done to us.

Having an open and honest conversation about what we believe the causes are and/or which feelings are present, paired with taking ownership of our part, will naturally restore connection.

It is also important that there is generally more connecting experiences than disconnecting ones. Some of the main areas where partners can connect are through:

• Sharing emotional experiences and feelings
• Intellectual and philosophical values and ideas
• Physical touch and intimacy that feels nourishing for both partners
• Social and Lifestyle hobbies/interests
• Shared spiritual values and beliefs
• Shared dreams, visions and goals

I feel it is important to mention though; if disconnect is present, then participating in any of these connecting experiences over the top of that, will not foster authentic connection. Like I mentioned earlier of building a house on sand; if the safety and trust isn’t there, then neither will connection.

Chemistry is definitely desired in a relationship but connection is what will create longevity and keep the chemistry alive.

Easeful

Relationships shouldn’t always be hard. Let me repeat that, relationships shouldn’t ALWAYS be hard (and by always I mean more often than not). Don’t get me wrong, there are moments that will be extremely challenging, painful and uncomfortable, but the difference being that growth and connection follows. If it is always hard, it is likely that it is not going to get easier. I truly did not understand this until recently, I was used to fighting, trying, pushing, contraction and trauma, but this is the opposite of ease. Love and relationships are to be enjoyed, they are definitely not all about hard work.

Easefulness comes when we cultivate the above mentioned aspects. When we feel safe, when we communicate, when we feel connected and when we feel appreciated and considered.

When we are in a state of easefulness we experience clarity of mind and heart, including the relaxation of our nervous system (as we are no longer in fight or flight mode). It feels like a big breath in, and a soft heartful sigh out.

--

On an end note, I’d like to clarify that these 6 signs are not the ONLY 6 signs that constitute a healthy relationship. They are 6 signs that are very clear and apparent to me. There are certainly more characteristics than what I’ve stated here. In fact, if you have anything to share, I’d love to hear it!

If any of the above spoke to you and you would like support with cultivating within your own loving relationships, I have 1:1 mentoring opportunities available.

Please contact me via info@laloba.com.au for more information.

In tenderness,

Laura V.

Safety

This is number one on our list because without safety as a foundation, it's like trying to build a house on sand. It just won't work.

If we don’t feel safe to be ourselves, if we don’t feel physically safe, safe to express ourselves, to relax, to trust, to speak of and receive our needs, and so on, then we are unable to truly bond with another. To deeply connect with someone requires authentic vulnerability, and it is a whole lot easier to be genuinely vulnerable when one feels safe to do so.

Safety is also key when triggers arise (which might I add is always going to happen because of our life experiences and our own individual trauma, patterns and conditioning). A healthy relationship is definitely not about avoiding triggers or not having any, but knowing that there is commitment to work through them when they pop up. When we feel safe, we can express what is alive for us (usually still with discomfort), but knowing that we won’t be abandoned and that it will be met with love, compassion and curiosity.

Safety is about feeling secure, trusting and free.

Communication

Communication within a relationship allows us to verbally express what is going on for us. It is about speaking clearly but it is also about listening empathically too. The good news is; getting good at communicating is a skill that can be acquired. Chances are, most of us didn’t learn the most amazing and effective ways of communicating during childhood, and that is okay (it just is what it is!). It is never too late to learn a new and more fulfilling way of expressing your needs and getting them met (without playing games, being manipulative, creating drama, or causing trauma). I love the nonviolent communication model (NVC) personally, and they offer workshops worldwide, available both online and in person.

When we have the ability to clearly communicate our feelings, needs and requests, it is a lot easier for the people around us to be able to understand us, and meet us in that. It also makes it less likely for things to fester or get swept under the rug if we have a clear, open channel of communication with our partner. By getting good at connecting to our feelings and needs, we naturally build more inner strength and a deeper connection with ourselves. When we are empowered in this way, we bring that into our relationship too.

Consideration

 Mutual consideration is something that naturally flows when love is shared. It is not about giving things up or losing freedom. When we are in a state of overflow, it is within our true nature to consider another. 

It is not about the individual anymore, as one is having a shared experience with another person. When we make this sort of commitment, it is almost like seeing the other person as an extension of oneself. Consideration can take many forms, it may be through acts of service, remembering food allergies, choosing one plan over the other (if it is close to your partners heart), or simply checking in with a partner by asking about something that may cause them discomfort. Being considered and considerate in a relationship helps to build trust, safety and keeps the connection alive.

Championing

As an optimist, this is one of my favourite parts of being in a relationship. Having the love and support of a partner in going after your dreams and aspirations can be a key motivator and driving force behind achieving what it is you truly desire in this lifetime. It is not to say we don’t have the will to do it on our own, but being championed by the one you love can really help keep those creative juices flowing. When you succeed, they succeed and vice versa! Yay!

Connection

Feeling connected in a relationship indicates if we are experiencing openness or contraction. What I mean by that is this: When we are feeling connected to our partner we are open and receptive, when there is disconnect we may feel like there is space between us or something is a bit off.

There is nothing wrong with experiencing contraction or disconnect, but it is how we go about it that matters. Often, just naming that there is a feeling of contraction/disconnect can spark a conversation to address what it is that’s in the way. Sometimes it can be something our partner has done that has directly affected us. And sometimes, it’s a misconception of what we think our partner has done to us.

Having an open and honest conversation about what we believe the causes are and/or which feelings are present, paired with taking ownership of our part, will naturally restore connection.

It is also important that there is generally more connecting experiences than disconnecting ones. Some of the main areas where partners can connect are through:

• Sharing emotional experiences and feelings
• Intellectual and philosophical values and ideas
• Physical touch and intimacy that feels nourishing for both partners
• Social and Lifestyle hobbies/interests
• Shared spiritual values and beliefs
• Shared dreams, visions and goals

I feel it is important to mention though; if disconnect is present, then participating in any of these connecting experiences over the top of that, will not foster authentic connection. Like I mentioned earlier of building a house on sand; if the safety and trust isn’t there, then neither will connection.

Chemistry is definitely desired in a relationship but connection is what will create longevity and keep the chemistry alive.

Easeful

Relationships shouldn’t always be hard. Let me repeat that, relationships shouldn’t ALWAYS be hard (and by always I mean more often than not). Don’t get me wrong, there are moments that will be extremely challenging, painful and uncomfortable, but the difference being that growth and connection follows. If it is always hard, it is likely that it is not going to get easier. I truly did not understand this until recently, I was used to fighting, trying, pushing, contraction and trauma, but this is the opposite of ease. Love and relationships are to be enjoyed, they are definitely not all about hard work.

Easefulness comes when we cultivate the above mentioned aspects. When we feel safe, when we communicate, when we feel connected and when we feel appreciated and considered.

When we are in a state of easefulness we experience clarity of mind and heart, including the relaxation of our nervous system (as we are no longer in fight or flight mode). It feels like a big breath in, and a soft heartful sigh out.

--

On an end note, I’d like to clarify that these 6 signs are not the ONLY 6 signs that constitute a healthy relationship. They are 6 signs that are very clear and apparent to me. There are certainly more characteristics than what I’ve stated here. In fact, if you have anything to share, I’d love to hear it!

If any of the above spoke to you and you would like support with cultivating within your own loving relationships, I have 1:1 mentoring opportunities available.

Please contact me via info@laloba.com.au for more information.

In tenderness,

Laura V.